You bought this game because you are cripplingly addicted to Souls-like games. I bought this game because I am horny. We are not the same.

I logged in for combos, But stayed for the bounce, Every frame a blessing, My will to resist? No ounce. Waifu in leather, Blade shining bright, I clicked “Start Game.” ...then edged all night.

🔥 Stellar Blade: A Review So Horny It Violated the Geneva Convention 🔥 Listen to me. I didn’t play Stellar Blade — I was defiled by it. This wasn’t a gaming session. This was a spiritual awakening wrapped in latex and jiggle physics. I booted up the game, saw Eve’s opening strut, and immediately started breathing like a pug in July. The way she moves? Illegal. The outfit? Criminal. The backshots—I mean, backflips? I needed a priest and a bottle of holy water. Every time she dodged an attack, I dodged my dignity. That woman didn't just slay monsters — she slayed me. Emotionally. Physically. Anatomically. The camera angles? Designed by the devil himself. Someone on that dev team was NOT okay. I’m talking “spent 400 hours animating her inner thigh with tears in their eyes” energy. I entered cutscenes as a man and exited as a puddle. At one point, the camera panned behind her while she climbed a ladder, and I swear to God, I heard my PS5 whisper, “You don’t deserve this.” Combat? Yeah, I guess there’s fighting. But I wasn’t focusing on dodges and parries — I was locked in on the booty physics coded by Zeus and rendered by Unreal Engine’s thirstiest engineers. Her special moves should’ve been rated AO for Absolutely Obscene. I paused to look at her idle animations and woke up three hours later, covered in Dorito dust and regret. I’ve never felt this way about a game character. I made her my phone wallpaper. I changed my Netflix password to her name. I whispered “yes mommy” every time she picked up loot. I tried to romance her by standing still in front of her reflection. She blinked. I moaned. At one point during a boss fight, I died because I got distracted by the way the wind gently brushed against her lower back. I uninstalled the game out of shame… and reinstalled it ten minutes later because I physically couldn’t go on without her. My therapist says I need help. I say I need Eve DLC. FINAL SCORE: 69/10 Would smash IRL / 10. I didn't beat the game. The game beat me.

Stellar Blade (PC) – The Combat is Tight, but Not as Tight as Eve’s Outfit

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (Goon/5)

Let’s cut the crap. This game hits PC and suddenly every modder on Earth woke up like: “Time to work.” I installed the game. Clicked “Play.” Got to the main menu. Closed the game. Went to Nexus Mods. Reopened the game 3 hours later looking like I was booting up Stellar Baddies: Complete Edition.

Gameplay?

Yeah, it’s real. Combat is legit. Parrying feels good. Dodging is slick. Bosses will curb-stomp you if you don’t focus — which is hard, because half the time I’m distracted by jiggle physics doing parkour across my screen.

Story?

Something something humanity… something something corruption… insert anime monologue about emotions and identity. I was kind of paying attention, but also I was playing in Ultra graphics with ray-traced cheeks. Forgive me.

Mods?

Absolutely out of control. There’s more plastic in my mod folder than in a Barbie factory. If you thought Skyrim was unhinged, wait until you see Eve in a bunny suit fighting cosmic horrors with a Hello Kitty energy sword.

Pros:

- Combat is actually fun - Stunning visuals - Eve - Camera angles knew what they were doing - Modding community went feral within 48 hours

Cons:

- Some areas felt like mobs were places just to slow you down - The platforming has some jank to it but is still good

Final Verdict:

If you’re here to "experience the deep narrative of a fallen Earth in a dystopian future"... You're lying. But it’s okay. We’re all lying together. Game slaps. Mods slap harder.

Great optimization, smooth combat. Tried to follow the story but the camera had other plans. Kept showing me the same two arguments over and over. Strong ones, though.

Me: Buy the game for the plot The plot: ( . )( . ) This is the game for gamers of culture. Thank you Kim Hentai the Goat. Note: If the game is too hard for you, try to play it with 2 hands.

Came for the tits stayed for the gameplay and tits. Also no issues for this port

So, I've finished the game and I really like Eve's bu... I mean the story in this game. The story is pretty good and straight forward. As for the performance, the game runs pretty good, there are just a few minor stutters at some points especially in the city, but it doesn't bother me too much, maybe it's just a problem with my CPU or something in the game I don't know. Btw, the game is pretty easy so it shouldn't be a problem for casual players, but if you find the game too easy, try taking off Eve's Suit, it'll make the game and the player Harder.

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to take a look at himself in the mirror and wonder how exactly he reached such a place. You have to truly ponder what decisions you have made along the way that brought you to the place of your final reckoning. There’s nothing wrong with it. I mean, Eve’s gravity defying cheeks Jiggling throughout the entire game and having more purpose than the combat pretty much makes it a perfectly stellar masterpiece after "Nier". But the moment you realize that, you start to see just how flawed you and the rest of humanity is. What drove me to purchase such a game? What part of my soul felt so empty that I thought a virtual girl could fill it? When I look into the boundless depths of my own loneliness I see a pool of reflection. My face isn't there, there is no face. There are only tears in that pool, tears of shame and loss and confusion. If it were up to me again I know I would purchase it in a heartbeat, I know I would load it up and skip through the menu section just so I can have a tiny little taste of them Buns, which are readily available online for free. Yet, despite the abundance of naked virtual women waiting in the digital sphere, I still chose to purchase this game and devote hours of my life to it. That time will never return to me, it is lost just like my soul and just like the time I fear I may never find it again. There is something broken within me, something that desires sensation beyond my reach, something that whimpers every single night with the knowledge that there is no true Princess, it is a merely an illusion. In my pursuit to find meaning in this long life, I sought the colorful lights and sounds of a world that only exists in a pop up window on my computer. I am unsure what the moral of this review is, I am unsure about my place within the universe, all I know is that no amount of virtual girls can cure the vast rot that has overtaken me.

I am proud of myself for completing the game and getting all of the achievements... but I'm even more proud of the fact that I didn't whip him out once during the entire playthrough.

Everyone obviously wants to play Stellar Blade because of its rich story and world building. Certainly not for... other reasons

When a company that mainly made gacha games can optimize a PC game better than most AAA companies XD

Literally unplayable. Every time I see Eve, too much blood flows downwards and I lose consciousness. Can't get past the intro. Rating: G( . )( . )N / 10

Plot? I only saw hips swinging and melons jiggling. 10/10, would simp again!

Take my money....... we need more games of culture like this. This game has some of the most beautiful ASSets i ever seen. You really have to give credit to the devs for creating this with one hand. It’s far better than I ASSumed. One of the best Jiggle Souls game out there.

Ascending the rope in the elevator shaft was when I realized this game was made for people like me. 10/10

I guess EA was right about us Cave Dweller RPG lovers, we will come out for good Single Player Games.

In a world full of unoptimized slop it really is great to see a game run so smoothly and Eve is fucking hot

Even though i knew what the game was, i expected gooning with a eeh story and ok gameplay. What i got was a good story with a lot of gooning and fun gameplay. One of those rare games where you expect to have fun but it's even better than imagined.

Don't forget to eat! As a passionate gamer, I know how easy it is to get lost in the virtual world and forget about eating right. But let’s face it, our gaming performance is only as good as our health. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of 10 healthy recipes that are perfect for gamers. These dishes are not only nutritious but also easy to prepare, ensuring you can get back to your gaming session in no time! 1. Avocado Toast with a Twist Ingredients: Avocado, whole grain bread, cherry tomatoes, poached egg, seasoning. Preparation: Mash avocado on toasted bread, top with sliced cherry tomatoes and a poached egg, sprinkle with salt, pepper, and a dash of chili flakes for an extra kick. 2. Greek Yogurt and Mixed Berries Ingredients: Greek yogurt, mixed berries, honey, granola. Preparation: Layer Greek yogurt with fresh berries, a drizzle of honey, and a sprinkle of granola for a quick, energy-boosting snack. 3. Veggie-Packed Omelette Ingredients: Eggs, spinach, mushrooms, bell peppers, cheese. Preparation: Whisk eggs and pour into a heated pan, add sautéed veggies and cheese, fold and serve. 4. Banana and Peanut Butter Smoothie Ingredients: Banana, peanut butter, almond milk, Greek yogurt, honey. Preparation: Blend all ingredients until smooth — a perfect drink to keep you fueled during long gaming sessions. 5. Hummus and Veggie Sticks Ingredients: Hummus, carrot sticks, cucumber, bell peppers. Preparation: Slice veggies into sticks and dip into hummus. This is a great snack for munching while gaming. 6. Quinoa Salad Bowl Ingredients: Quinoa, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, feta cheese, lemon vinaigrette. Preparation: Mix cooked quinoa with chopped veggies, toss with vinaigrette, and crumble feta on top. 7. Chicken Lettuce Wraps Ingredients: Ground chicken, lettuce leaves, hoisin sauce, garlic, green onions. Preparation: Cook chicken with garlic and hoisin sauce, scoop into lettuce leaves, and top with chopped green onions. 8. Baked Sweet Potato Fries Ingredients: Sweet potatoes, olive oil, paprika, garlic powder. Preparation: Slice sweet potatoes into fries, toss with olive oil and spices, and bake until crispy. 9. Almond Butter Energy Balls Ingredients: Almond butter, oats, honey, dark chocolate chips, chia seeds. Preparation: Mix all ingredients, form into balls, and refrigerate — a perfect bite-sized energy booster. 10. Turkey and Avocado Wrap Ingredients: Whole wheat wrap, turkey slices, avocado, lettuce, mustard. Preparation: Layer the wrap with turkey, sliced avocado, lettuce, and a smear of mustard, then roll it up. These recipes are designed to keep you energized and focused during your gaming marathons. Remember, taking care of your health is crucial, and it starts with what you eat. So next time you gear up for a long gaming session, try one of these recipes — your body (and your gaming score) will thank you!

Sexy, Stylish, and Absolutely Savage

Forget saving humanity—Stellar Blade is really about Eve proving that high heels and a skintight suit are peak combat attire. Who needs armor when you’ve got confidence, a giant sword, and physics that… uh… enhance immersion? The gameplay? Smoother than Eve’s voice lines. Parry, slash, and booty-bounce your way through hordes of mutants like the angel of death (and thighs) you were born to be. The devs clearly prioritized two things: tight combat and even tighter outfits. Priorities. Story-wise, it’s your classic "last hope of mankind" deal—but let’s be real, you’re here for the aesthetic. Every cutscene is a reminder that Eve could step on you, and you’d say thank you. P.S. Stellar Blade is the video game equivalent of that one ex who was way too hot for you—objectively problematic, but you keep coming back for more. 10/10, unapologetic trash (that I will defend in court). https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3499739587 https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3507501994 https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3502482136

if you buy this game just for Eve, you're getting your moneys worth. if you buy this game for the great gameplay and combat, you're getting your moneys worth. if you buy this game because liked Nier:Automata and you like souls-likes, you'll want the DLC but you're getting your moneys worth. if you like angelic music with a female singer who never actually says any words you're getting your moneys worth. If you like crisp visuals, good performance on launch, and great level and world design, you're getting your moneys worth.

The Dark Souls series and (especially) Sekiro and the consequences of their existence and success have been a disaster for video games, action games in particular. Stellar Blade touts itself as a fast paced action adventure game with RPG mechanics and a deep story. All of that is BS. Let’s start with the combat. It is not fast paced; you sit and wait passively for the enemy to attack so you can parry. You cannot combo, juggle or play aggressively at all. There is zero reason to use your heavy attacks because they are too slow, don’t stun the enemy and the recovery time is so damn long you get hit by their next attack. Skills and actions you expect to be part of Eve’s base move set are locked behind the “RPG” elements. Being able to dodge unblockable attacks? Got to level up! Want to be able to recover faster from getting knocked down? Got to level up! Now, what about outside of combat, how is that? Mind numbing. Exploration consists of you walking around looking to find pass codes to activate brain dead mini games to open chests, energy cores to open doors or solve some basic environmental puzzle to open a door to the next area or start the next bit of combat. Is it engaging? No. Is it fun? No. It’s fluff, filler. It’s just there to waste your time. The story! I didn’t get very far in the story because the gameplay isn’t good, but I’ll give my opinion on what little I saw. It’s just a low budget knockoff of Nier Automata, but even that gives the game more credit than it deserves. The cutscenes were boring, the dialogue horrendous and the characters forgettable. Now, I do have some good things to say about the game; the graphics are nice and Eve is visually very nice to look at, the monsters had interesting designs and the soundtrack was pretty good, too. But everything else is just poorly executed mechanics from other games (Dark Souls and Sekiro specifically). If only the game played as good as Eve looks. What a shame, I really wanted to like the game. Get Nioh 2, Ninja Gaiden Master Collection, Ninja Gaiden 2 Black, DMC HD Collection, DMC4SE, DMC5, Bayonetta, Nier Automata or Lollipop Chainsaw. All of those are much better games and deliver actual fast paced combat.

Absolute scam. I bought this gooner bait game for my need but I got an amazing game instead.

As a hetrosexual female, i am glad i can play as this hot chick, being a chunky and stubby lady in real life what i wouldnt give for an ass and body like hers, last thing i wanna do is run around looking like myself games are supposed to help get you away and distracted you from the real life troubles. Im playing on steam deck and through family sharing, and so far its a great experience.