SteamCritique
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Stardew ValleyStardew Valley
The new update promises to improve the quality of your marriage. Doesnt work, my wife is still pretty upset I play Stardew Valley so much.
14360 votes funny
The new update promises to improve the quality of your marriage. Doesnt work, my wife is still pretty upset I play Stardew Valley so much.
14360 votes funny
Ok so far from my game this is what I got: > farming for first week > mayor tells me to socialize with the townfolk > decide to talk to random people > lots of talking > finally think i met everyone > try to interact with trashcan > find a salad in trash, untouched > girl sees me digging in trash > girl gets grossed out from me digging in the trash > get mad, decide to follow her > catch her walking towards lake > turns out shes pretty > want to know how to marry her > find out that i can gift people > dont know what to gift > remembered i had salad from the trash that she saw me grab > give salad to her > she loves it > advance a year or two later > me and girl are married Is this how true love works? 10/10 would dig in trash again
8430 votes funny
spent a week giving a girl flowers and buying her beer asked her to dance with me she said "Ew no" very realistic 10/10
6828 votes funny
a game about being closer to nature and your neighbors, but is highly addictive and is keeping me indoors and alone. the irony is not lost on me.
5068 votes funny
>redecorating kitchen >Abigail nearby >accidentially give her a chair >"Hey, how'd you know I was hungry?" 10/10 Never got my chair back
4484 votes funny
>first year in Stardew Valley >go to the Spring Dance >ask Haley to dance with me >"Ew...No!" >go back to my farm, heartbroken >im determined to get revenge >Fall comes, I'm able to plant sunflowers >sunflowers are Hayley's favourite gift >grow dozens of sunflowers to give to Hayley >give her two a week until next spring >we start a relationship because she fucking loves sunflowers >agrees to marry me >we get married a few days before the Spring Dance in year 2 >"I hope you've been practicing your dance moves for the Spring Dance!" >shes so excited to go to the spring dance with her new husband >she doesnt even remember what she did to me the year before >im going to make her feel the pain that she made me feel >Day of the Spring Dance comes along >I dont show up >shes heartbroken 10/10 would marry a girl just to break her heart again
4207 votes funny
this game let me live my wildest sexual fantasies of having a job and someone who actually loves me
3519 votes funny
I gave everyone in town a fish as a present. I spent the rest of the day digging them out of their trashcans. The homeless guy kept his fish because he doesn't have a trashcan. Then I realized I was competing with him in digging things out of the trash. I think I am bad at this game.
3314 votes funny
I asked a girl to dance with me. She responds, "Ew, no.." 100% realistic. 11/10. Would get rejected again
3275 votes funny
Things I've learned since I started playing Stardew Valley: <*>Farming is way more fun on PC than it is in real life. <*>Grandfathers are generous people. <*>I don't need a girlfriend. <*>Trees only take 28 days to grow. <*>Farmers can withstand snow, rain, and thunderstorms all in a t-shirt. <*>I don't need a job. <*>Sprinting isn't very fast. <*>My map-reading skills are awful. <*>I don't need a social life. <*>If I drink the juices from a mushroom, I'll be able to talk to forest people. <*>There is an endless supply of broken CD's in every single river. <*>I don't need sleep. <*>Give a girl salad, she'll love you forever. <*>Wheelchair = grumpy. <*>I don't need food. <*>If I put a bunch of fruit in a cupboard, it'll make a greenhouse. <*>Dogs are useless. <*>I don't need a soul. <*>Women won't enter houses without kitchens. <*>You can get pregnant by kissing. <*>I don't need to ever look up from my computer. <*>My life is in ruins. <*>I don't care. <*>10/10.
2918 votes funny
Friend: What are you playing? Me: Stardew Valley. Friend: What's that? Me: A fun game. :) Friend: Oh, it's farmville. Friend: Whatcha growing? Corn? XP Me: Nah, I'm fishing. Friend: WTF? I thought it was a farming game! Next Day Friend: What fish you've caught? Me: None, I'm mining. Friend: I thought it was a fishing/farming game!? Next Day Friend: Okay you been playing this game for three days straight. You need to stop. Me: Nah I'm playing DND in my friend house. Friend: Okay I'm buying this ♥♥♥♥. -Later on....- Me: Whatcha doing? Friend: Chasing after a train. Me: I THOUGHT IT WAS A FARMING GAME!?
2738 votes funny
I have 41 hours logged in this game. It came out three days ago.
2706 votes funny
Gave a girl a gem...she ate it I will never understand women
2691 votes funny
I stopped smoking because I don't have time for that 'cos there are crops to water. 10/10
2378 votes funny
- Jumped up screaming because husband finally asked me to have a baby - Actual real-life-husband runs into room asking me why I'm screaming - Tell him that we're finally going to have a baby - Real-Life-Husband LOSES HIS MIND 10/10 would break husband again
2362 votes funny
I had to google how to talk to women and get married. 10/10 just like real life edit: turns out you can have children. had to google how to make that happen too, i couldn't figure it out. still a real life sim.
2081 votes funny
Civilization V = "One more turn." Stardew Valley = "One more day."
1939 votes funny
This game is running my life. All I ever play is this game. When I'm not playing this game, I'm thinking about playing this game. When I'm not awake, I'm dreaming about playing this game. 11/10 hELP
1724 votes funny
Planted cabbages in summer. wasnt paying attention to time. turned to fall 6 days later. my...... my cabbages.
1501 votes funny
I wake up at 6am to begin my day and water my crops. By 11am I am too exhausted to do anything and sleep for 19 hours, completely neglecting all social life, just like in real life. 11/10 immersion
1456 votes funny
A deceiving game, Stardew Valley is the story of a young man/woman that has moved to a small coastal town with a vibrant community and ecosystem in an attempt to escape from the crushing burden of corporate work and take on a respectable career in farming. All of this sounds great, so why is it "deceiving?" After you've played the game for a while, you start to notice something: there's only a few areas you can go to. There's your farm, the town, the woods, the beach, the mountains, and if you have the bus stop running again, you can go to the desert. However, this "city" that's mentioned so many times, and is even shown once, is completely inaccessable, as is the rest of the outside world. At first, you will just ignore this fact. It's not significant yet, and there's plenty of exploration to be done. However, as you continue playing and get past a couple of years, something else starts to become apparent. Nobody changes at all. Not a single person will age; the children that are present stay children forever, the old man in the wheelchair never dies, and nobody grows up. The only exceptions to this rule are your children; however, once at a certain point they will stop aging forever. No amount of years ever changes any of this; you could go to 1000 years and nothing will have changed. You will also notice that there is no way to die. You can eat poisonous mushrooms, but all they'll do is make you pass out from exhaustion. You can have your health lowered to 0 by taking too much damage from hostile creatures, but you'll just end up in the hospital and lose some stuff from it. You cannot die by starvation, freezing, drowning, dehydration, burning, and you can never get sick with anything. You are immortal, immune to death or aging, as is everyone else in the game. You will forever be condemned to life, eventually rendering any and all activities boring beyond comprehension, and there will never be an end to this boredom. By moving into the town, the worst curse to ever be conceived has been forced upon you, as with its other residents. While your grandfather's death suggests that escape is the only way to be freed of this suffering, this task is impossible for you. The only place the bus can take you is to the desert and back to town. You cannot escape by following the road, as an invisible forcefield blocks the way. There is no path to the outside, and you cannot teleport out by magic. The true antagonist of Stardew Valley is your grandfather. He is the one who tricked you to move to his farm. He forced you into this life, while ensuring his own immunity. He is the true mastermind of this world. The only purpose you serve and will ever serve is being a source of entertainment for him; you are the embodiment of an act of infinite foolishness, and are thus a matter of infinite comedic value. There is no freeing yourself from this torture. You are left to the agony that is life for as long as time exists, unable to express your pain. Meanwhile, your grandfather, the sole survivor of this hell, forever laughs at you from the afterlife. It was all a trap, and you fell for it. This is the true story of Stardew Valley.
1433 votes funny
Pirated it first, played a little, impressed, felt bad, bought the game.
1341 votes funny
A wizard forced me to do drugs so I could be one with the land.
1293 votes funny
This game let's me live my wildest sexual fantasies of having a job and someone who actually loves me
1255 votes funny
I asked a girl to dance with me. She responds, "Ew, no.." 100% realistic. 11/10. Would get rejected again
1236 votes funny

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