SteamCritique
Quiz
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Mount & Blade II: BannerlordMount & Blade II: Bannerlord
I didn't expect to play this game in my lifetime.
3957 votes funny
I didn't expect to play this game in my lifetime.
3957 votes funny
It's finally harvesting season
3860 votes funny
Thank you Taleworlds for giving us a chance to play this game before coronavirus wipes us all.
3535 votes funny
I'm in Lockdown with my kids. I just ignored them for 4 hours straight. This game is great.
2550 votes funny
A lord refused to nominate me for a castle after I successfully captured it so I switched sides, tracked down his wife, and chopped her head off. 10/10
2545 votes funny
My wife keeps having babies. We're on our 6th one now. The only problem is that its been when I'm not around... Pshhh, I'm sure its just a bug.
1240 votes funny
Congratulations people! You have survived long enough to see the release of this game! Now may you also survive through this coronavirus to play this game for years to come!
976 votes funny
Store page is buttery smooth. 10/10, would purchase again.
815 votes funny
I edited my review to get the steam autumn sale badge 10/10 tho fo sure
803 votes funny
You can have a child with a wife you spent 400 days not seeing. 10/10 Realistic
703 votes funny
F1 + F3 - Sun Tzu
582 votes funny
F1 - F3 -Sun Tzu-
570 votes funny
It's harvesting season!
511 votes funny

Procreation Simulator

When I got this game, I was kind of disappointment with the development. However, I kept playing in hope that things would get better. To my surprise, I missed the whole point of the game. Later, after my char got married, I learned that Mount and Blade is actually a metaphor for procreation. When I discovered this I had a blast creating babies all over the kingdom. Me and my bride would move from castle to castle leaving a trail of babies in our wake. She would have one about every 5-10min and the funny thing is they never would age. I’m happy to say that now at 1000 babies I am ready to retire from my campaign. Hopefully when MB3 comes out I will have a greater supply of names. I kind of gave up naming after 50, there are only so many way to use Boo in a name. https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2048698927
453 votes funny
Toggle Archers to hold fire using F4. Hold Alt to display distance to enemy army. Wait until army is 100 metres away. Toggle Archers to fire. Accidentally Alt + F4 the game. Fucking incredible I actually fell for it ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠋⠉⠈⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣴⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣟⣾⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⠀⡴⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠟⠻⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠶⢴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣁⡀⠀⠀⢰⢠⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠀⣴⣶⣿⡄⣿ ⣿⡋⠀⠀⠀⠎⢸⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠗⢘⣿⣟⠛⠿⣼ ⣿⣿⠋⢀⡌⢰⣿⡿⢿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⢀⣼ ⣿⣿⣷⢻⠄⠘⠛⠋⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣧⠈⠉⠙⠛⠋⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣧⠀⠈⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢃⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡿⠀⠴⢗⣠⣤⣴⡶⠶⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡸⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡀⢠⣾⣿⠏⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠉⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣧⠈⢹⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠈⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣿⡟⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⠁⠀⠀⠹⣿⠃⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢐⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠉⠁⠀⢻⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠈⣿⣿⡿⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉ ⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⢀⣀⣠⡴⣸⣿⣇⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡿⠄⠙⠛⠀⣀⣠⣤⣤⠄⠀
438 votes funny
Quarantine just got good.
422 votes funny
Before I played this i had a small penis, no girlfriend and no will to live. None of these things have changed, but the game is pretty good.
410 votes funny
Had my entire fortune poached by wandering looteres, most of my men were killed, those who weren't died later of starvation and the only one to make it to a town was me. Where I was promptly ambushed by brigands, who *let me go* because I was *too* poor. At some point I realized I'd lived my entire life in poverty, misery and eventually I decided to turn my life around. I became a blacksmith, created some minor works - barely making a profit. Until one day, when I made a sword that broke the town's economy. Everyone wanted my sword. In merely a day, I'd earned enough to purchase largess too grand for even kings. Then my life - so deprived in years gone by - was filled but still empty. Money begets money, and violence begets violence. Eventually, when I had conquered the world I knew nothing but stillness. My clan was large and thus was my lot. Eventually life was bleak, if a man could have anything, would he want for nothing? Or did it mean he could not desire anything, as well? Then, it was 3 am and I realized I had work in the morning. All in all, ten out of ten, would Bannerlord again.
407 votes funny
Yeah, sure, I guess you can get some hours of enjoyment out of it.
372 votes funny
The best part of this game is the immersion. Spent a few days getting up reputation with my soon to be wife, thought it would help with having kids etc... and as soon as we got married it dropped and locked at 0. Truly the only realistic depiction of marriage in any game. 11/10 would recommend. Reminds me of real life
363 votes funny
10/10 It released
343 votes funny
Historically speaking, if you defeat an army 4-5 times your size, you would usually win the war, or at the very least stop the enemies from attacking you for a long time. You will also have your name engraved into history, with bards singing you praises and armchair military fans talking about how cool you are. In Bannerlord, it's Tuesday.
339 votes funny
Tried recruiting awesome general. he said no. beheaded his wife and daughter and married him to my sister. had to join my army through marital obligation. next time say yes when I ask nicely.
315 votes funny
the throwing spear in this game is so strong that it makes me throw all of my responsibilities too
300 votes funny
In this game I became the Medieval Military Industrial Complex. Orestes was a simple man, After his village was raided by bandits, he took it upon himself to form a small caravan. He went from Lageta to Ortysia to Sargot and back trading commodities such as horses, wine, grapes the like. One day his humble caravan was beset by looters. This battle awoke a bloodlust in Orestes that he could not control. Looking south Orestes invaded the lands of the sand people and defeated a small army. Its general by chance, the very Sultan of the sand people was taken to Orestes, who had him decapitated. There would be no quarter to the barbarian pagans of the deserts. What ensued was an absolute bloodbath, over 30 nobles slain in guerrilla warfare, scorched earth tactics. Towns all over surrendered their meager #3 quantities of cheese and butter, and also their hobbled weapons and tools. The campaign would soon deplete Orestes saved up fortune and he was forced to turn back to Ortysia. There he discovered his new passion as a salesman of the finest boots and headwraps. But this was not enough, curious one day Orestes visited his local smith and forged his first sword. In the span of a few weeks Orestes would forge so many weapons as to rival Hephaestus himself. His swords soon sky rocketed in value and he was able to bankrupt the entire city's economy with the sale of a single one of his Signature Two-Handed Polearms, titled: Mars. Orestes would then take up arms again. This time acquiring the Dragon Banner of Calradia and claiming rightful fief of all of Calradia. Barbarians would no longer sate his blood lust. At the sight of the first castle, Garonter, Orestes would besiege with a force of 100 veterans against the castle's 230 garrison. It took him 3 weeks to build his siege engines and in 3 weeks he was beset daily by the Empire's best men, even their emperor Garios. All would fall to Orestes with the clairvoyant power of the F5 quicksave. His kill count would rise each battle, until night before the siege, Orestes himself killed over 100 men in single combat after the garrisoned had sallied forth from their gates. It would be after this that Orestes made peace with the Empire, went back to Ortysia and crafted 30 divinely infused and crafted polearms, each worth 40k and donated them to the towns under his fief. Within 3 weeks he was churning a profit that fuel his further expansion into Thoracte Castle, Tubulis Castle, Sargot, Quyaz and now Ortysia itself. Now Orestes raids the wastelands of the desert, slaying man and woman alike. His nations economy runs on him conquering the Asari. Smelting down their impoverished weapons to craft ones divinely inspired by God himself, then selling these majestic pole-arms and the fallen solider's boots back to his people, who then sell those at even more inflated rates back to foreign nobles travelling through town.
291 votes funny

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